My best friend was sent home April 21st, 2008. I have a lot of unanswered questions. A lot of things dont add up for me. I miss her dearly. The anniversary of her death is coming up soon. I wrote her this poem a few months after her death. Hope you like it.
FOR B
Standing on a rooftop
watching the scurryin ppl below
who r in existence with no knowledge of me
Looking down .... down
I move closer to the edge
the wind howling in my ear, tauntingly
I stop
Does she see me? I close my eyes
My thoughts flash back to the very moment that Kary spoke to me on the phone you see
I did not like her
but she was the only one who could connect you and me
My mind thought back to the first time we met....
when it was you, me, my two cousins and Kary
but somehow
we all drifted apart
and now
its just me
I couldn't help but think of all the times you confided in me
hurt by men...
blinded by our shared disease
forced to mature before you time
now all i can give you is this rhyme place upon my heart
to write
I reminiscence
Haha
Do you remember the time you were doing that thing you weren't sposed to do
and the agitated flame
flew in your face
and when you looked up...
those perfectly arched red eyebrows had vanished?
Good times B
I wish I could take you back to the 7th grade
when you thought your secret was unknown
you tried to mask it so well
but as your friend I could tell
although I never let you know I knew
Damn B, we got all these great memories
if I asked for more
would you think I was being greedy?
I hope not b/c
I remember how you always wanted me to refer to you by your middle name
but to me...
JAZZ just didn't sound right so instead
I just dubbed you B
How about the time you "accidently" informed me of you new lover
and then tried to cover it up b/c you didn't know how to tell me
it was a she rather than a he
That night we discovered another shared quality
And I'll never forget the conversation
we had not even a week later
about how you were attracted to me.
Well, truth be told I wanted you too but
we had far too similarities
But now,
I wish I relied on my 1st instinct
we always think the ones we love the most would never leave this Earth
but
now I'm sitting on the ledge thinking of you
when you needed me most
In Grand Prairie when I believed you were in Austin
the truth to me is unclear.
B, honestly
you were wayy more than a friend to me.
you were my inspiration to be better
no, not b/c of your mistakes and insecurities
but b/c of your accomplishments and abilities
and no matter what the occasion
you were ALWAYS there to comfort me
I'll never forget that in your depressed state of mind
you cut your wrists too deep and they had you hosptilized....
...............
but you got better
Now as I hold this razor to my skin
and pray for the courage
just to begin to part my wrists like the Red Sea
I can't........
Could it be?
Could it be you , holding me back
pushing me towards brighter days
and a happier life?
Can you see me?
Are you my angel?
cuz you really should be
As my eyes open I'm thrown back into reality
I notice pigeons that begin to float down beside me
sarcastically cocking their head from side to side
as if daring me to try to fly
And I'm still wishing I could
hop into that DeLorean and rewind time
back to your 18th bday....
a day you were still breathing
your heart was still beating
and your eyes were still blinking
But I Can't
Instead I'm forced to remember
that seventeend days after your 18th bday
you broke into some dude's house
for a reason unknown to me and they pulled out guns.....
Did you have one?
Instead I'm forced to imagine you
arguing and
yelling and
of course holding your own until....
you fall down
Neck bleeding due to a copper intruder
you are gasping for air
and the ones around you
just stare in disbelief
A metal machine in someone's
sweaty palm and shaking hand
was pushed and pulled
and then a copper bullet
marked its path and vowed to take down any obstacle in its way
......including you
So now I'm standing on the edge
hoping and praying
that this is all some sick joke
and you're still alive
Or that
They somehow mistook you for another Bethany
and you're hiding out
waiting for us to find you
BUT....
When I read your sad and sorrow obituary
and sit and contemplate its actuality
I realize my truth is merely a......
False fantasy
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